Words used to come easily but these days they don't. I'm so quiet.

Except: I keep calling BT, i can't stop. Every few days i, i just dial his number and we chat and it's so familiar and I feel so known. But then he tells me a thing, "oh i'm going to see these friends this week" or "i'm looking at buying a place" and it's all the things we were together and i feel a wrench in my heart and i have to remember: we are not together anymore. What the fuck am i doing?

i'm not sure what i'm doing. But i know I'm meant to be reaching inward and finding the inner strength, blah, but it's hard and i don't feel like it sometimes and i go backwards into the fantasyland again.

My friend S wrote to me: "maybe to keep the heartbreak from being boring - since it's not going away in a jiffy - get crazy with it, you know? maybe that's the trick of getting it out of your system.. giving in to it totally and responding with your wild, playful spontaneous self. That is a strength of yours i believe"

I keep rereading her words and, yes, I recognize that is a self that is me, was me...i know that person - what would that look like? To just give in to this and see where it goes? maybe that's what this is, and i just need to keep working through this existential angst, yawn.

*
i'm in Tanzania, for work. Jetlag and dragging myself to meetings on 4 hours of sleep, and so much alone time i am floating in the world, unmoored. I can do anything now, the future so open.. but all i want is to go backwards.

But grateful for a few brief moments of grace: At dusk, sitting on a 2nd floor balcony with a cup of ginger tea, watching massive flocks of noisy black birds wheeling and dealing around the palm trees. Walking to the office early that first morning and genuinely surprised at how easily my body moved in the warm air and golden sunshine. It feels it's been winter forever.

9:24 a.m. - 2019-02-21