ok hi diary. i'm back. It's been a minute.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?
i got pregnant (unintentionally), I terminated my pregnancy, I ended my relationship with my partner of nearly 10 years, I read a prayer at the funeral of my uncle, and said goodbye to my mentor a month before he died of cancer. I put in an offer on a condo in Washington DC. Fuck. It was such a fucking fuck of a year i can't believe it. Just all kinds of dreams and loves vanished.

But: I held my niece 12 hours after she was born. I read a prayer at my brother's wedding. I saw an ultrasound of a freaking embryo in my body. I went to Kenya and saw these sproingy Grant's Gazelles ( they made me laugh out loud in delight.. ok i had to google them to watch it again: here at around 2:10), and I climbed a volcano.

2. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through 2018 with some sort of sense of myself and my own resilience. Learning to live without my now ex and to accept that I am 39 and may not have a child and see what is rich in my life anyway. Again, work in progress.

3. What was your biggest failure?
ugh.

4. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i was pretty depressed and it was hard.

5. Whose behavior merited celebration?
you know what? mine.

6. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Honestly? BT sucked so hard this year. Not my problem anymore but god he was awful.

7. What was your favorite TV program?
I liked The Leftovers, on HBO. A beautiful meditation on loss and resilience.

8. What was the best book you read?
Jeff VanderMeer: Borne. Post-apocalyptic, people surviving in forces beyond their control. Felt timely.

9. What was your greatest musical discovery?
CHARLES BRADLEY, OMG. And Lido Pimienta. I also listened a lot this year to: Nick Cave, Neko Case, Robyn, Broken Social Scene, and Lorde.

10. What did you want and not get?
This question made me cry. Even though every single sign indicated otherwise, I thought (hoped?) that BT and I were going to be a family and live happily ever after and that's just not how it worked out.

11. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I said I'd focus more on myself and less on all the other roles of daughter, girlfriend, sister, friend, employee. I think i'm getting better. More of that this year.

12. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
i want to listen better. Listen to myself. But also to others, without thinking about how it relates to me, or how i need to respond. Just to be there, listening fully, with empathy.

13. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
public radio. NPR and CBC.

14. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
black skinny jeans, black high-tops, [black] t-shirt, and a jean jacket.

15. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. And medical care in the US is fucking expensive, even with insurance. What a scam.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I have a niece now. The Nick Cave show was so great. I learned how to make really good lasagna. The light from my 3rd floor apartment is so beautiful. My mom's new car has heated seats.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
a) I am sadder b) possibly slightly thinner? c) I am so fortunate to have a job that i love that pays well.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Like last year, i wish I'd spent more time outside, especially far from the city in the wilderness where i can just hang out in the trees.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I am not beating myself up over anything i did last year

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family: my parents; my sister, brother in law and niece; my brother and his pregnant wife. Later we went to my cousin's (where last year with went with BT and family). It was kind of tough, i felt quite alone in this sea of families.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?
HA! "in love" is for chumps.

22. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i didn't get out of bed til about noon, when i got tired of being miserable. I had a nice dinner with my family and my dear friend drove from Mtl to be there. My sister and mom each made a toast that made me cry. I love them. I turned 39.

23. What kept you sane?
This net of family and friends who caught me.

24. What political issue stirred you the most?
As last year: Refugees. Migrants. Fuck borders, generally, and the very concept that any one group gets to dictate who can and cannot come into a space.

25. Who did you miss?
My mentor, who died in September. And BT, all the time, despite everything.

26. Who was the best new person you met?
i made a new friend, J, who i enjoy when i see him. And i deepened some relationships -a different friend J remains a new favorite person and also reminds me that there are new people to meet in this world and be inspired by and laugh so hard with.

27. What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
I think the Rolling Stones said it best: You can't always get what you wa-ant. But I already knew that. Thanks for nothing, 2018.

28. What was the best thing you bought?
i have a pink coat that makes me pretty happy. (see above, i've been wearing a *lot* of black). Buying this coat felt like emerging from a chrysalis .

29. What did you want and get?
i wanted to strengthen my relationship with my parents and my siblings and i mostly did that.

30. What countries did you visit?
Ethiopia, Madagascar, Tanzania, Italy, Kenya. All for work.
In Canada: an amazing trip with my parents and sister driving through Quebec and into Prince Edward Island, and then to the Magdalen Islands (Iles de la Madeleine).
In the US: a road trip through the Jersey Shore, upstate NY and Vermont; New Orleans; a lovely week on Ocracoke, an island in North Carolina; a weekend in Chicago with some dear friends.

10:59 a.m. - 2019-01-26