well i wrote a whole entry on some things that happened that were important to me but it got lost in the Massive Service Failure of Sept 27. There was a bit about the ocean, because that's what i did in August. The entry was called riptides. I guess it's lost.

oh well. what to say. The + is gone. BT and I are taking a long break with no contact. I wrote this whole thing about how i was part of a 2 and a smidge unit and then suddenly down to 1, and how much simpler my life became overnight but in fact that's not really how it went and also now who the fuck knows what i'm doing or why so i would not exactly call my life right now simple.

I am finding it very very hard to articulate anything. Mostly afraid to turn this jumble in my head into some kind of story. It's not a story, it's too early. One day i'll look back and perhaps it will make sense and i'll have the right punctuation. the smidge was gone. BT and I took a long break . , ... ;

i went for a follow up appointment today with the OB and she poked around and confirmed it was all over and after she left me to get dressed i looked at my hollow, peeling face in the mirror and suddenly burst into tears. I was brief and silent. And then i dried my eyes and went to discuss billing options.

i am mostly not feeling anything except that I am sometimes very sad and sometimes i am less sad, and i guess that will just continue until it isn't anymore and i can introduce another emotion into the mix.

I have been restricting all contact to texts, but this morning i called my sister for the first time in weeks because i have to start talking sometime. i made an appointment for tomorrow with my therapist. i guess this is recovery phase, now.

*

my friend flew in to stay with me on thursday and then left on saturday morning and it was so lovely but then once she left i didn't leave the house for 3 days and that was not great. But today the following things were good:
i got out of bed and left my house and went to work on the bus like a human. I got in at noon, but still.
a delightful half-caf latte: it is lovely to want and enjoy caffeine again. I still do not want alcohol and that seems okay.
carrots and celery i washed and cut up and brought to work
sitting at my desk working systematically through a list of things and feeling competent and productive

3:34 p.m. - 2018-10-02