missed a period, and have been feeling fairly ambivalent about booze*, so bought a pregnancy test for the first time in my life (i've always been a morning after pill kinda girl) and i think it might be positive. i mean. there's a vertical line (a plus?) not a horizontal line. I think so and it doesn't exactly seem hard to interpret. I have looked at it a hundred times and i'm not exactly getting new information here.

I feel like i have no one to tell. I have to tell BT first but he will not want to hear this as we have been practicing some kind of pull out method of birth control, which i guess any high schooler knows is inaccurate and now that i think about it, seems like it was a bit irresponsible but i guess i just assumed i was kind of old and it was unlikely? I can't believe i have a PhD in public health and i thought that. I'm flying to see BT tomorrow for a funeral, not sure what to do. I feel extremely extremely ambivalent about this, mostly because BT is going to *FREAK OUT IN A TERRIBLE WAY* so i can't even get my head around how i feel about it. .
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i didn't get a chance to write in here but last week my uncle died. i miss him already. We were all on the beach together, my parents and my sister and i, when we heard. And so we could have a long hug and console each other. I felt brittle and nervy and pulled out of the hug early, because group hugs, but actually it's the nicest and most comforting thing i remember. Then I snuggled my niece and went looking for sea glass that would remind me of him, to keep. But then i also found a rock on the shore and just threw it back into the waves, which felt much more appropriate. Just a splash, gone so fast. Yesterday I heard that my mentor and PhD advisor died. He'd been sick for years. I miss him already. i haven't told anyone in my family.. another thing i don't want to talk about. Two of my biggest fans and supports, gone in a week. Two of the most intelligent and passionate intellectuals in my life. Voracious readers and independent thinkers. Probably two of the greatest shapers of my career.
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jesus christ, a positive, wtf.

*very unlike me.

4:51 p.m. - 2018-09-06