Going to try to write every day for the rest of the week. BT in town this week and everything feels nicer. On Saturday we hung out and read our books and drank hot toddies, which is pretty much my dream date, especially in December. I thought, 'i could do this forever'. But things are still not quite right after a monster fight that we had a couple of weeks ago when I was in Mtl, had a few drinks, and then somehow let all my feelings of frustration boil over into an on-the-street freak out. Ugh. all those feels were true and needed to come out but i sure wish I'd expressed them more rationally.

On Sunday I talked to my sister for an hour in the morning and then hung up the phone and burst into tears, which is what I do every time I talk to her. It's hard. It seems like she has her life all sorted and is so excited about the baby (2 months to go!), while my life feels so lost and lonely. Also I miss her, and my family, and things with BT are so uncertain, so it's all tied together. So muddled, I can't express all the ways that all of this makes me feel so fragile. Mostly I stuff it down into a corner and try not to think about it.

i re-started therapy so hoping that helps. It's $$$$ but i'm clearly not doing very well.

***
positive things: Last night went to a co-worker's house and picked up a used receiver and speakers and i *finally* have music that isn't a tiny portable speaker. Changes my whole apartment.. i'm pretty thrilled. We set it up and listened to music right away.. BT immediately going to the place that I'd expect him to go with new speakers, so we listened to a lot of Led Zeppelin and Santana live, which is not what I'd have started with cause Santana makes me a little crazy after a while, but it was so great to have music again. I woke up this morning and it felt a bit like Christmas cause I knew I could go turn on the radio in the kitchen. Such a small thing, why didn't i do this a year ago?

10:57 a.m. - 2017-12-05