in therapy we are talking about wanting all the things and then grieving when we can't have all the things. This is all maybe obvious but actually it is incredibly hard to say out loud the things i want but do not have and how very sad i am that i don't have them. How do I get from here to there?

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In mtl last week I went to a house party. You know the kind: someone making martinis in the kitchen, and everyone crowding outside on the tiny balcony to smoke, and ppl handing around a huge bag of mushrooms, and someone running into another room looking for co-conspirators to go dance naked in the rain, and the other guys showing up with coke or whatever chemicals the kids do these days, and a dance party next to the record player.

I had awkward fun for 3 hours, in the way of someone's dad at a party, making you talk about work or the news or whatever. And then i just felt more and more out of place, or maybe out of time. Everyone got increasingly fucked up and i didn't want to, and i don't smoke anymore, and i didn't want to dance naked in the rain because mtl rain in april is freezing, and i did go for the dance party next to the record player but it just didn't have a lot of momentum to it. I was so awkward that every time i had nothing to do i would go back to the kitchen and refill my glass - but more and more with seltzer and less and less with wine. I still got too drunk and the next day of travel (I left for the airport at 8) was hell.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the house party, once the staple of my social life, is no longer at all my scene. I stayed til 3am to be absolutely sure but yeah, i'm sure. End of an era.
BT remained totally into it. Before the party he made a playlist, which was cute. He got into all the everything and at some point threw up off the balcony (less cute). The next day after I went to the airport, he went to brunch with all the same people and stayed and hung out for like 10 hours. I can't even. I went home and watered my plants and made a cup of tea and read a book. oof. what does it all mean?

10:55 a.m. - 2017-04-20