the "kids or no kids" debate is raging in my mind (/heart?/uterus?) again. Mostly i think it is crystallizing to me that we should at least try. Who knows, maybe it's going to be so much harder than we think, maybe we can't even have kids.

But yes, I'm aware of all the things I just put in place in my life that make it kind of way harder than it needs to be - tiny 1 bedroom apartment, job that requires ~20-30% travel, living in a new city where we hardly know anyone. I personally feel like, meh, we could figure it out, but also things w/ BT are still fairly uncertain and he's definitely a downer about things that are harder than they need to be and maybe it's better not to open this can of worms right now but also getting older every minute and ugh..

SO: dissertation done and look I've just found new things to project all my anxiety onto. Also woke up this morning wondering how will I ever make any friends in this new place? It is so busy. Is it even possible to make friends anymore? Need to get back to meditating or something.

Wish i had gold membership so i could post a pic of the ricKshaws, palm trees and container ships outside my window.

11:47 a.m. - 2016-11-27

First Saturday post-phd. I sat reading Patti's 'M Train' in the hotel cafe this morning with a second cup of coffee. It felt so unfamiliar. Not the part where i'm in Tanzania and I haven't been here before, because that unfamiliarity is now familiar. But the feeling that I can just sit here and read this book and I shouldn't really be hunched over my computer, editing a table or whatevs.

I insist to people that the whole 8 years of dissertation was worth it, but suspect maybe it's stockholm syndrome.

Trying to motivate to go do something with this day off but i forget how to do anything but work, and there's always work that needs to be done. ugh. Still, M Train is the perfect book to be reading right now because if i don't have my own inner world at the moment, Patti Smith has enough for all of us.

12:41 p.m. - 2016-11-26