ok, apocalypse is clearly ongoing outside and i'm just trying to pretend it's not happening. Not even going to start on Leonard Cohen. I know that there's a whole urban/rural split thing and the whole problem is that people are in their bubbles not speaking to each other, but i am just going to retreat into my bubble and watch The West Wing until it's safe to come out. Say, in 2020.

on a more local note, i passed my defense last week! It went great and was so amazing to be back in my community of friends. I do not think i will ever forget how it felt to wake up the next morning and not have the ever-present guilt perched on my shoulder. So light and free. I want to hold on to that feeling of openness and possibility, but it's hard.. i think maybe the process of a 7-year dissertation has hardwired my brain into feeling like i should be doing something more productive. Have to find a way to feel like doing things for myself has some worth.

I'm heading home for the weekend for festivities preparing for my sister's wedding. I am going to catch the last of the bachelorette and then on Sunday there's a shower. My parents have very very sweetly decided to throw a dinner for me on the Saturday to celebrate the doctorate and I am so touched. They have invited some family and also a friend is driving in from a nearby city.

BT was invited and so were his parents but at the moment BT is not sure he wants to do the 6 hour drive to come there for the weekend. I guess that part of me understands that it's far and also the subtext, which is that he is super sick of my PhD and hates it and never wants to hear about it again. But also.. i am so heartsick at the thought he might not come. It makes me feel like i need to take a break from all of this and really assess the place we are in and whether this is what I really want for the rest of my life. Not sure about the best time for any of that and don't want to rush into anything either.

10:01 a.m. - 2016-11-11