i took a bus and then 4 hours later i was in nyc! Last night i stayed at the home of a very dear old friend, who is going to have twins in november. Then today we drove out to her parents' place and I get to stay in their big old house full of family photos and pictures the kids drew and their mom framed, and a room full of books, and lots of plants, and it was dark but i'm sure there is a garden outside. All the kids still have rooms that they stay in when they come back to visit with their partners and now with their own kids. There's a shelf with well-worn kids books. Oh, and a happy, tail-wagging chocolate lab. And my friend's in-laws - the parents, four siblings and their partners, ranging from 28 to 38, sitting around the table, so much love and affection and familiarity because they live nearby and see each other often. My homesickness hit suddenly, so hard and so fast, it took my breath away.

**
later, i called BT and tried to convey all of it. Why do I bother? Three weeks in to this long distance thing and he is already non-communicative and sad and angry and resentful. I know i'm supposed to wait and be patient and let it all evolve, but i just don't want to and why does everything have to be so hard?

**
tentatively scheduled phd defense for nov 1. oof.

11:38 p.m. - 2016-10-14