i dreamed last night that my brother and sister both got engaged over the holidays. In the dream, I was happy for them, but also kind of sad. This thing with the engagements is a real possibility... the wedding drought in my family is going to end pretty soon, and obviously I am happy about it because they are happy and that's all anyone wants for their siblings. And yet it does awake an anxiety. So there is something there, going on in my not-so-subconscious.

Here's the thing: I don't want to be the kind of person who wants to get married. But there are lot of areas where the person I want to be is not necessarily the person I am. And for better or worse, on a lot of levels I'm still a lot more traditional than I want to be.

Ugh. I don't know what to do. maybe I'm falling into some kind of trap in which I think that all kinds of not-perfect things about my relationship would be resolved by marriage? But still, after almost 7 years together, what does it say that I want to have a clearer idea of the future and BT wants to keep the status quo? I have the dreaded biological clock and he doesn't, but that can't be the only driving factor.. there must be something off, something misaligned beyond that.

I fear that we can just continue like this forever unless I decide it isn't working for me and leave. I don't say this lightly. It's been on my mind for a long time, and I've definitely discussed this with him so I don't think it would be a surprise. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Did I mention I was interviewed by The Onion this week?

11:46 a.m. - 2015-12-04