I spent the afternoon opening up the dissertation for the first time since the end of the September and immediately second-guessed all the decisions I've made and also noted how fucking little I've done with it. URGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

every time I try to write a bit more, everything I don't know just crashes down on me. I hate writing about it in here... i always try to find other little things going on to write about, because dissertations are boring to write about or even think about and I try to pretend to myself that I'm more than that. But honestly this is defining my whole life right now. I considered quitting but I really want to finish it yet I have no idea where to begin. That's weird right? After all these years? I have to begin somewhere? But it's true. It feels like everything I ever learned about this stuff has left my brain.

I remember one time a guy wrote to Cary Tennis to say he had been procrastinating a huge work project for several weeks and he had a weekend to get it done and please help, like, now.

So I'm that guy, but i've been ineffective for several MONTHS and now I'm down to weeks and I don't even know where to start. Oh and also I'm going to Uganda on Sunday for 2 weeks for work and AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHH.

Cary Tennis said (to the guy) to rent a hotel room without distractions to get it done and make a list and make himself accountable to someone and blah blah blah but I don't even know how to start talking about how much I don't know about what I don't know.

The unknown unknowns, as BT would say. Those are the worst.

7:26 p.m. - 2015-11-03