Early last week i got an email asking me to apply for a really good job - let's just call it my dream job, because it is. It's interesting, it pays great, and it is a PERMANENT JOB. With benefits. Who even knew that those existed anymore? And this Dream Job is working with people I've worked with and like and longed to be a part of. It's so perfect.

I was so thrilled to even be invited to apply (they're in a rush so they're just shortlisting people that they think they'd like to hire. Not even posting it). I've wanted to work with this organization since I was 10, and every time I go to their offices I have this longing to be part of it. (has it not been clear from this journal all these years that I'm a nerd?) So obviously, no-brainer, I was going to spruce up my CV and go get that Dream Job!

and then.

And then I started to worry... The thing is, they're shortlisting it because they are desperate for someone to start ASAP. It could be as little as 3 months. It's a ton of work, so how would i ever finish my doctorate? And THEN i talked to BT, who didn't straight up say no (oh did i mention the job is in Africa? it's in Africa.), but he definitely felt like it was sudden (but then, everything is sudden to BT. Dude is a glacier). But essentially he was worried that it would be too much change too fast for us to go from all these years living in different countries to suddenly living in the same place with him dependent upon me in a place he never wanted to live anyway. I know BT is the kind of guy who tends to worry about a lot of things, but this time even I could see that his fears have some merit. With my optimist glasses, it seemed like a great idea - we'd be together, we could both be employed, they'd have great maternity leave options and lots of vacation, and I wouldn't have to travel too far to go to work so I could be home a lot more. but when I considered it with the BT Pessimist glasses, it also had a lot of risks.

And then also I started thinking about how I have been looking forward to being closer to my family next year when i finish. And how I've been gone from Canada for almost 8 years and everyone (read: my dad) is getting older. Etc., etc.

I just let it all roll around in my head for a whole week and then this afternoon I wrote to thank them for the invitation to apply, but said that i was unable to commit right now. It was such a big deal for me, to put something like that off to the side. I hope I won't regret it. But maybe it's time to focus on something not careerish for a little while and have some faith that it will all still work out.

blargh.

God, I still can't believe I turned it down. So out of character. I'm so stressed about being broke when i finish this damn thing and the whole struggle being worth nothing. I'm terrified I will find myself overspecialized and not being able to find any work if/when i move to BT's city next year. And more and more I'm thinking about a kid, and that i think i'd like one, and how will all that work? Will i finish this whole doctorate and then never use it? That would really really suck.

But despite all that stress, as I type this, I still feel like it was the right decision to not apply. So okay, gut. I sure hope you didn't lead me in a broke-ass unemployed direction because I WILL KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOU

10:31 p.m. - 2014-08-10