I flew yesterday from Amsterdam to Mtl*. BT picked me up from the airport and we went straight to a park right on the edge of the city. The surf dudes have a canoe stashed at a friend's place, and we snagged it and paddled out to a secret island in the st. lawrence river for the night. It was pretty much perfect in a way that only mtl in the summer can be. I woke up early and went out to sit on a rock to watch the stars fade and the sun rise. Later I watched herons and listened to the rapids and watched the river flow swiftly by. I tried to let my mind be blank.

I found myself giving BT side-eye from time to time, like 'are we really doing this? is this what our life can be like?' Things have been so so so nice between us for the last several months, I just keep waiting for something to break. No way do I get to keep a life this nice. I can't be that lucky. BT finally seems happy and strong in his life and I admit that I don't understand why he'd want to keep at this (i.e. us) when I'm just gone all the time and my interests seem to diverge so greatly from his. I worry that he has just been carried along on this ride and when he has a chance to think about it, he'll realize it's a mistake. I tried to focus on the river and let the rest just settle. Time will tell.

It is so strange and yet familiar to be suddenly back here after 15 intense days in Kampala. Resting in the apartment, the sheets are yellow and everything is cool and quiet. BT is off surfing and i am trying to make it to sunset so that jet lag will not win. My sister comes tomorrow for the weekend and i am happy to be here in this life that is increasingly more rich than my actual life in nola. My new roommate just emailed to say he's headed back to Malawi in August, so it looks like i need to find another person for the house even though i like this one so much. Honestly i'm too old for roommates now but my bank account doesn't know that.

*My flight left around the same time and the same airport as the malaysian one, but we went in the other direction. I wonder if there will be more cases like this going forward. Just 2 weeks ago, my flight from Amsterdam into Uganda was grounded in Kigali for a couple of hours as the airline evaluated terrorist threats to the airport just outside Kampala. In the end they gave us extra fuel in case there were reports of missiles being fired at planes and they suddenly had to divert to Nairobi or Dar. There are all kinds of senseless ways to die, but missiles aimed at commercial airlines seems particularly horrifically stupid and arbitrary.

6:34 p.m. - 2014-07-18