hello montreal. allo. I live here now. For a little while. I'm not sure how long.

totally unexpected talk with BT the morning after i arrived. A serious talk. At some point i closed my eyes, wondering if i'd somehow gotten off the plane into some alternate universe where things i thought were settled were not. Opened eyes again to find myself in the same place. So this conversation is happening? Yes. Okay.

in my stomach, a vague nausea. shakiness. A heaviness that makes me want to just go back to bed. And simultaneously a jumpy panic. This is not good.

I feel very alone here and can't help but feel that I should have seen all this coming. No wait, I did see this coming and that's why i didn't want to come here. I looked up some 10K training programs. I just forced myself to take the Blue Rodeo off the stereo and switch to Daft Punk. Ok, full disclosure, the Blue Rodeo is still on, but I'm going to switch as soon as I finish this entry, lest i progress on to the Weakerthans or god forbid, the Stars. I'm going to get off the couch and go outside. Wish i had friends to play music with. Wish i had friends here, but also i don't feel like talking to anyone.

I will not let this summer turn into a series of tear-filled talks about our future. Or potentially, our futures. I hate that dynamic of earnest talks, so useless. life is too short. But also, know I can't just withdraw. I'm so tired, and the jet lag isn't helping. I know that these things have to be handled thoughtfully and carefully. Nice timing, BT. I'd be angry, but that won't help either. Everything isn't broken, but it's all on shaky ground. I mentioned this has not been a good year?

5:12 p.m. - 2012-07-19