BT coming tomorrow. i'm packing. On thursday we head out. I wanted to head straight up to Canada, but on the way we're stopping off to see one of my best friends and we'll all spend a couple of days together at the beach. I don't really mind, as BT says he hasn't been in an ocean in a decade (but wait! i just remembered we went swimming in the Atlantic in 2009! but it was freezing and there was a hurricane warning and we only lasted a couple of hours. i'll let him have it). I suspect i'll be tempted to huddle in the house and work.. I'm pushing down bubbles of panic about how much time i've been off lately, and how little i've accomplished this semester.

I stayed close to the house all day today, feeling like it was the last day i'd get all to myself for the foreseeable future. Of course I'll be able to eke out time for me, but today was special because I knew I wasn't accountable to anyone but myself. After today i'm going to be a couple again and we're going to have to negotiate all that. Today i couldn't access the part of me that is excited and happy; when i talked to BT, i looked at him and felt i didn't know him at all... all i could think was, 'what am i doing? is this the right thing?'.

Having some space helped me admit to myself that i'm terrified that i will be deeply unhappy when I move. I know it's only for a few months, but I worry...in my gut, i'm just not sure this is right for me. Obviously I'm used to moving all over the world, but i always have a work community to engage with. This move will be different. I'm sure there will be lots of friend-types - BT has a huge community, and I know people there too - but my work is a huge part of my self-identity, and i will be lost among all the people who don't know anything about all those experiences that made me who i am. Even more serious to lose that connection to that world when I'm trying to spend three months just writing. Who will i talk to? How will i make myself get out of bed and push through all this analysis on my own every day? I can't even do it here, with all the best supports. I've been trying to think positive thoughts, but.. today i admitted (to myself) that i'm scared.

11:10 p.m. - 2012-05-19