it was so hot this evening that i swear my eyeballs were dripping sweat. The heat from the afternoon built up in the house and wouldn't move, and neither could I.

Suddenly i was impatient with myself for just lying around feeling too hot to live. It's the August New Orleans Ennui, and all my friends have moved away so why bother doing anything. But I pay way too much for a damn gym membership at this historically white-only and currently elitist place (most of the members are white (not me, obviously), and most of the cleaning staff is black. It's classic. But that's another story and the only reason I raise it here is that I can never go into that place without a twinge of strange guilt and discomfort). But I joined because it's close and convenient, and i definitely don't use it enough. And there is a pool there.

It was 8:10, and the gym closes at 9, but i was determined to at least jump in. I decided that driving would get me there faster. But as soon as I got in my hot car, I remembered how much I hate driving, and thought about the beautiful night bike ride home through the French Quarter. So I went back into the house [put the club on the steering wheel, locked the car, found my house keys] and grabbed my bike [found my lock, helmet, and night lights; switched my stuff into a messenger bag; unearthed my keys from the bottom of the messenger bag; relocked the door). Nothing is ever as easy as it seems it will be.

I made it about 15 feet and realized I have a flat. Gah. I have two bikes for this reason, but I still haven't fixed the broken derailleur on the other bike from last week's mishap/adventure. 15 precious pool-minutes later, I was back in the driver's seat. I drove to the pool and it was all worth it for that 25 minute swim. It was so beautiful. Would it just be a ridiculous waste of time to resolve to do that more often? Hope springs eternal: I hereby resolve to swim 4 times a week. Ha!

*

I am trying not to beat myself up about this thing I do lately where I second-guess myself halfway through an action and get all flustered and disorganized. If someone was watching me from above (is this all just a giant mouse maze experiment? Am i winning?), I'm sure it looks like I am running in circles. I mean, i am often literally running in circles. That car/bike/car circle this evening was classic. And i will be the first to admit, all my systems need work. All the traveling makes it worse, but I have never been able to remember where i put my keys/wallet/phone. I need to be more organized, but I just can't, for some reason.

I know I have to slow down and take more deep breaths and think things through and be more intentional in my actions. The swim helped. That focus on breathing always leaves me feeling calmer.

10:40 p.m. - 2011-08-03