Places i've slept in the last 30 days:
Mekele ETH / Addis ETH / frankfurt GER/ boulder CO/ steamboat springs CO/ taos NM /ojo caliente NM /amarillo TX / New Orleans LA / Mexico City MEX/ Cuernavaca MEX / Toronto ON / Montreal QC.

I used to thrive on this but now I'm just kind of dazed, like I've been hit on the head repeatedly with an atlas. i think a very small voice at the back of my head is telling me: enough, you're going to hurt yourself. I just need it to tell me a little more, including where I should stop and what I should do there to earn my keep.

More and more I'm thinking that maybe it's time to head back to Canada for good. I love New Orleans, but I'm barely there anymore, and working in Ethiopia is making me crazy. Turns out I'm not as resilient as I thought.

I'm scared that i might regret walking away from this world I worked so hard to get into. Could I make it back into the big leagues? I'm afraid that chances like this only come around once. Blah blah blah one door closes another opens, etc. This is part of the lost resilience I was talking about... didn't I used to have some kind of faith in myself?

In Mex I had a long conversation about my panic and despair with MP, who attributed most of it to low self-confidence. I hadn't thought of that as a possibility. When he said that, I thought, "no you don't understand. It's not that I don't think I can do anything right, it's that I actually can't do anything right" which, I guess, kind of proves his point.

day at a time, right?

11:45 a.m. - 2010-08-23