i washed my hair and went out for a beer last night, which was a big event for me in these days of academic hibernation. Weird interactions with friends where i felt almost invisible, like what I said or thought didn't matter very much to them, or wasn't particularly thoughtful or insightful or even interesting. It feels like the plane on which we all relate has tilted away from a place where i really have something to offer.

It's becoming clear to me that we're all treading water for a moment here while we think about what's next... So there is not a lot of passion for right now. There are relationships, and those are exciting and evolving. But I don't feel passion for life, for future, for ideas based on now. We spend time together, have fun with the city, share what's going on in our heads and what's on at work or school, but I don't feel much sense of shared energy or movement. Is that true? Is it because we know that it can't last, that our time here is limited? Or is it because on some level this life is no longer fulfilling and none of us knows how to articulate it or change it? Anyway, it doesn't matter since I'm a public health robot right now and introspection is not allowed.

2:18 p.m. - 2010-01-07