Tonight i went back and read a bunch of old entries from waaaaay back when. i have more than 1000 in here and they go back 9 years. Nine! A lot of it was drivel... I'm sure a lot of what I write now is still drivel. That wasn't a surprise.

Sometimes I came across lines that resonated, and recognized the beginnings of thoughts that have evolved into guiding principles in my life. And there were descriptions of beautiful things I still remember and think about. And sad/funny/nice things that I'd forgotten. It is wonderful to have that record and I don't regret keeping this journal. But I'm afraid to read too many more entries because I'm sure it will make me lock up this journal. Embarrassing, oh I don't know where to start! ack!! it's like watching that part of Back to the Future when Marty starts playing air guitar at the school dance in the 50s. But worse, because this is ME.

I don't know why I find it so horrific to look back at myself and recognize naivety, self-importance, ignorance, pride, and lack of self-awareness. And, oh god, the earnestness. Like I said: embarrassing. I cringe. But I tell myself that I'm human. We all struggle with these things. I can't lock up the journal and make myself at 22 go away. I just have to accept that I have been imperfect, I am imperfect, i will always be imperfect. I will always do things that make me cringe when I reflect upon them. This is because a) I do stupid, thoughtless things; and b) I spend too much time reflecting.

But more than anything, I was surprised and saddened because I could pick out the unhealthy periods in my life when I hated myself. There are entries where I don't recognize myself. It wasn't really me. I can see that sometimes my entries reflect who I wished I was at that time. Sometimes what I wrote was part of a conscious persona that I was trying to project. Not exactly NOT me... but not me, either.

And it makes me so sad to think that I started this journal, way back when I was 20, as a place to be honest and coherent, as a place to find my own voice. And I still couldn't manage it. I hope I've learned to be better over the years, but I am not sure that I have.

2:53 a.m. - 2008-06-27