a few interactions have left me wondering how much of myself i've lost over the years. every single time i cared i learned the lesson that you're not supposed to care that much. i looked around at my peers and tried to do it their way and i'm finally good at it. but now i'm wondering if it would have been better to keep caring too much, being too much... too intense, too obnoxious, too anxious, too smart, too idealistic - because i suspect that all those toos would be preferable to the eminently reasonable person i've turned into.

I've used this cynicism as a mask for so many years that it may have ceased to be an artificial barrier and turned into a filter that keeps emotions out. I just want to be open to new things again. I want figure out who I am (not who I should be) and be that person.

I want to let the chips fall where they may, admit to my faults and vices and be honest and accepting of myself, finally.

*

body is aching aching like it hasn't in years... i am questioning my decision to go off the depo but i needed to try it. long to be curled in bed listening to the rain, but i have to bike through it to get there.

3:39 p.m. - 2007-09-25