hi!
i'm back.
i missed writing here. It is simultaneously the best and worst of me... but at least it's mostly real and I've started to forget who I am, what i feel, what i want.

we have a dog now, which means i can go for long walks. Long walks at night; he's a big dog, part german shepherd and part wolf and probably something else big and furry and toothy mixed in. It feels amazing to be suddenly free of fear that i didn't even know I was carrying... I've had nightmares for years but they've worsened here. I wake up crying, with fragments of dreams of family members lost to violent crime. It's not too hard to psychoanalyse.

But it IS scary here. Someone threw a brick through my window last year. A few months later, my roommate and i were two seconds shy of helping a woman being dragged into a car on our street... we don't know what happened to her. A 15 year old asked a friend for money this afternoon, then burned my friend's hand with a cigarette to demonstrate that it wasn't exactly a friendly request and five dollars wasn't going to suffice.

This city is so historic, so beautiful, so careless, wanton, and hedonistic. It is unique. The music is ubiquitous and incredible. The attitude is unparalleled. Biking through the French Quarter never fails to brighten my day. And yet there's a mean, seedy underbelly of inequality and racism and it's manifested in mental illness and random violent interactions. The hurricane didn't help.

There are lots of guns and big dogs and alarm systems and security guards. I don't want to buy into it, but I have to admit, the dog makes it a little easier to sleep at night.

10:50 p.m. - 2007-09-14