i realize how often i say to myself: "you are a good person"

to convince. I mutter it under my breath at least once a day.

*

i got drunk-dialled last night, and oh, how nice not to be the drunk-dialer.

*

school pressure increases and with it my wish to drop it all and start walking south until i hit water... and then maybe hop a boat and keep going.
not really. i like it here and i'm not great with boats. It's just that i can never be in one place.. i always have to have a plan for what's next.

*

A long time ago I hypothesized that when people die and decompose, their energy is released into the air and i imagined the energy of millions of dead people moving around the earth as wind. I thought that the only thing we'll leave behind are the miniscule amounts of energy contained in our cells. That and the memories we leave with our families and friends. It could be worse.

I don't think about them often anymore, but this morning i woke to a wildly windy day, and my grandparents were in my head from the moment I opened my eyes.

i called my mother and learned that the man who killed her parents 11 years ago is now out of jail. time flies. i don't care, really. He can be in jail or not and it won't bring them back. i know that. i've thought that for years.

i know that. but... but i paced around my room like it was a cage for a few minutes after i found out. I couldn't find my keys and i stomped through the house like it was the end of the world. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and i was wild-eyed and tense. I realized that all i wanted was to punch my pillow until it exploded. to run. to flail.

the wind meant more to me today.

3:31 p.m. - 2006-10-15