i recently occurred to me that i don't think i believe in 'in love' and as i thought it, i felt my mind shift a bit the way it does when i finally understand something that i've been subconsciously mulling over for a while.

i believe in love. but in love? no. the more i think about it, the more sure i am. i believe in friendship and sex and happiness and loving people. But the concept of 'in love' has always escaped me, and me being me, I've always just assumed that it was my fault.

And suddenly i feel like that might be all right that I don't get it. That in fact it's not that i just don't get it or that i'm deficient or i keep missing out; i'm actually not convinced of its existence. I've a sneaking suspicion that in love is just an industry.

i wonder what this means.

*
i'm slowly remembering how to have confidence in my instincts, in myself, in my thoughts. Toronto shattered me, somehow. i feel confused and angry and sad when i think about it, and i'm not allowed to listen to the Weakerthans for a while because it just brings it back. I'm stronger here in New Orleans, although some people have left an heartrendingly empty space that just seems unfillable here.

from the blind assassin:
farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges and then suddenly it's noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear

10:26 p.m. - 2006-09-12