it's funny how i came back from travelling so nervous about how i would fit back into this life. i found an email i sent to a friend where I confessed that i was terrified. I'd forgotten that I was so afraid to come back.

and maybe it was justified; my self-confidence really took a hit over the last year. I've never been so shaky about myself and my sense of where i fit into the world. somehow i started to rely on other people to make me happy. If I was busy all the time, if people were calling, if I had emails and messages... then obviously i was loved, worthwhile, special.. and that made my day. And if I didn't hear from anyone... then it followed that i was unloved, unworthy. I felt flat. Like a failure.

I can't live like that. I can't figure out what made me flip out and lose my self-esteem like that. I have a few ideas. Things are changing. I'm getting stronger. I just never thought i'd be like this. I look back at who I was, and I have no idea how I ended up here.

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things that made me happy today: tasty cheese toast and chocolate milk, the prospect of roaming through kensington market in the sun, reading the Saturday Globe and Mail in my glorious bed, listening to CBC and drifting in and out of sleep.

2:11 p.m. - 2006-03-18