gah, i think i need to start writing here again. my head is cloudy.

i've been getting sick again, bleeding and nauseous, and it's really really hard to deal with. it makes every other difficult thing in my life twice as bad.

i think the only solution might be to increase the frequency of my depo provera shots.. except i'm so unclear about what might be the long term effects of this drug on my system.

i've already been on it for about five years, and i just don't know how it affects me - what if it has changed my personality? what if it's going to affect my fertility? i'm so worried about this and it seems like every doctor has a different opinion. I've read so much about it and i just can't figure out what to do.

So many people have depo provera horror stories. i'm reading about class action suits, i have a friend who developed mental health issues... i read about the side effects and i wonder - nervousness, depression, loss of sex drive, nausea....

i KNOW it affects my sex drive. What if it's causing me to be depressed and i can't even tell because i've been on it for so long?

but i tried to go off it last year and i got so sick i thought i'd have to go to the hospital, and i'm not starting that again.

blargh.

*
i'm trying to remember my mindset before i started travelling. I wanted to distance myself from all my ties. I just wanted to focus on school, get it done, and get the hell out of dodge. I couldn't wait to see what was out there. I didn't want anyone or anything holding me back.

And now.. i don't know. I don't feel like that anymore.

8:50 p.m. - 2006-01-12