last week i had the strangest dream where everything was exactly as it seemed

This shall be an entry of pieces. representative of how i feel:

Inside:
- i feel very strongly like something is missing... like there is a big gaping hole where something used to be. But i can't put my finger on it, so i will persevere and hope it goes away.
- the stupid pain is still around, but the frequency is decreasing. i'm feeling castrated again... [can i even say that? what does it actually feel like, to be post-castration?] so i'll probably be healthy soon.

Outside:
- I got into Tulane University! In New Orleans! I cried and cried at the mailbox. not sniffles, but full-out bawling and wobbly smiles.
But.
I don't know if i should go... going there is making a fairly certain decision to work outside the country for at least 5 or 10 years after i graduate... can i do that? should i do that? i'll miss it here. My mother made a few oblique statements about partners and kids and turning 26 and you know what? fuck it... there is no guarantee that those things will happen. I might as well have the career i want and love... and the crushing debtload that I will save for and lavish money upon like a child.

what?

Incidentally:
- I have a not-so-beautiful new splint for my arthritic hand (that sounds like such a joke... "my arthritic hand".. and then it's not). It is bright red and annoying as hell but at least i got to make lots of great puns at the hand clinic when i got it made ["no, that position isn't right.... i can't put my fingeron it, but something is off" and "no, you're making that wrong... trust me. I'm an old hand at this"]

Maybe "great puns" wasn't quite accurate. The plus side about this splint is that it allows me to use my hand again... the downside is that i have to wear it all the time. forever. Or get surgery. and then probably more surgery. and maybe by the time i'm sixty they can clone me and grow a new thumb joint and stick it in the old saggy me.

10:15 a.m. - 2005-04-19