gross. after a four-year reprieve, the depo provera is increasingly ineffective in controlling the pain associated with my endometriosis. I don't know if i got complacent and screwed up the timings of the shots when i was travelling or if i need to increase the dosage or what, but i've been nauseous and in pain on and off for the last two months, I've had my period for 6 weeks, I'm anemic, and last night i woke up crying in pain... i'd honestly forgotten how bad it was, and i wondered how i survived it all those years before diagnosis and treatment. Seriously - how did i function? how did i work and go to school and have a life? I know - i was unsuccessful at managing any of those things. These last four years have been such a pain-free, functional blur that i think i just started to think of my body as normal.

[albeit normal without a sex drive... thank you, depo... but just the beginnings of the symptoms have shown me that I guess I'll have to remain castrated-narcissa, because there do not seem to be other options. we think of sex drive as a human and emotional need and as more than that - an intrinsic part of our persona. It's weird for me to recognize that it's just a funny combination of hormones and that because i artificially alter mine, i've changed the course of my life; i've altered my natural responses. i guess i only really noticed that these last couple months as the drug has been weakening and I've had to recalibrate... i wonder if my [in]famous practicality and rational decisions have really been due to the drug that actually supresses my natural responses? that's a whole other entry.]

Last night at 3am, I alternated between trying to sleep and stumbling around the house trying to decide if i should go to the hospital. I thought it might be something more serious, like a kidney stone or something, because i had completely blocked this kind of pain from my mind. It's the kind of thing where i seriously consider throwing myself in front of a car to make it stop. I mean it.. i have had bruises from hitting myself to have a different kind of pain. I finally managed to not throw up all the ibuprofen and knocked myself out. Woke up at 6:30 for work. Today I'm in Functional Sick Mode and I HATE it. I lived with Functional Sick Mode for 2 weeks out of every month for nine years. And I'm afraid because i know it can and will come back at any moment. I'm so heavily medicated that it's all a bit blurry. I need to: get a gynac referral. Get a new prescription for voltaren. Start exercising. See if there are any dietary links. Take iron and B12 supplements. The same old routine.

I'm so angry about this i could cry. i have cried. i will cry more. It's not fair that I have to be here again.

Also just got my x-ray results and found out that the cracking and swelling in my right thumb is due to early onset osteo-arthritis. We're looking at options of clean-up surgery or regular cortisone injections to reduce the inflammation, and i don't even have the energy to deal with that, so i'm just going to live with it for now. I'm only 25!

12:45 p.m. - 2005-04-13