want my journal from the last couple of weeks? okay! i can post it now.

three weeks ago...
should i be honest about this? if i AM thinking these things, isn't it fair to just express them? it's stupid not to. beyond stupid. i'm an idiot.

a few days later...
you want me to pretend it didn't happen. okay. i can do that. it won't feel right, but i can. next move: in your court.

two weeks ago....
this just seems like a nice thing... i wonder what will happen. what's wrong with me? fuck, this music doesn't help at all. just got a copy of a pilate CD and it surely is music to be emotional to. wait... is that... is it. emo? haha.

what the hell, i'm due for a good bout of heartbreak. bring it.

so the ground rules are this:
try it out and renegotiate sometime in the future
no strings
other people are fine
anyone can call it off
no emotional involvement - just for fun

a couple days later...
well. that was interesting. if asked how i feel about it, i really wouldn't know what to say. but i know it's better to know. Well i would say i feel:
faintly pessimistic
cautious

let down, but more with a feeling of... oh, i knew it wouldn't be that easy. nothing is EVER that easy.

let the feelings of inadequacy begin.

somehow this whole thing got out of control. i had an original objective! Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!

a couple of days later...
so. i think it's time to just face up to the fact that no matter what action plans are made, the timing is off and just let it go. maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway, but it's really not going to work now. and i think it's okay because i can say that i put it out there - i floated the option... and so, it didn't work. i was brave. and if you're brave once, you can be brave again. right?

i'm calling it: this is going to be a diary documenting nothing. and all the emotion that accompanies that.

sometime last weekend
guess you can't live in the past. that was a nice thought, i'm moving on? bon effort, as they say.

7:16 p.m. - 2005-03-30