it is so hard not to hate diaryland when it goes down like this. i'm not in a crisis or anything but my.whole.life.is.in.limbo and i need to write about it or be distracted.

geh.

mostly i wait to find out about school; i know it's going to just throw my life off into a direction, and i want to know what direction it is! I hate that key decisions about my future rest in other people's hands.

i'm too proactive to deal with this. I don't mind change and shifting and adventure... but i like to call the shots. you can call it "control freak" but i bet there are kinder terms.

it's happening in other areas of my life too... my personal life is slightly out of my control right now, and it feels a bit... uncomfortable. Exciting? Yes, that too. Maybe. But it's another case of limbo. And I love my job, but I don't know if they'll be able to give me full time hours until August. So should i be applying to McDonald's just in case?

[sudden, overwhelming urge for a cheeseburger. gross.]

i came so close to a catastrophic car accident yesterday. Three am on the way home, and suddenly a car was spinning in beside us, in front of us, next to us... it all went into slow motion, but we were still barreling toward him and i felt like my car would never stop. We did. And he finally stopped facing the wrong way in the lane beside us.

we were going 80 down the highway. he was going at least 120. if he'd hit us. if he'd hit the median. or ricocheted off the guardrail. or if someone else had been in that lane. i can't believe that no one was hurt. it was like playing a video game, but i was in charge and everything was slow motion. I pulled off and waited until my hands stopped shaking. They still shook today, when i thought about it. I'm queasy now, just writing about it.

i have a whole metaphor about it, but it's so lame. something about how things get thrown at you and then the rest of your life is determined by how you react.

duh. but it felt kind of profound in my head.

12:08 a.m. - 2005-03-21