maybe it's true that no one really knows me. that's a jarring thought.

don't you just learn about people as you go through life together? what, do people just sit and talk about themselves?

I don't want to talk about myself. The thought gives me a stomach-ache. I don't remember my childhood. I don't want to rehash my teens.. i just thought about them to try to sum them up and i had a blur of memories that made me feel a bit empty because that time is gone and it won't ever come back. I could write them all down, but it would take pages and pages and pages, and who on earth would want to read them?

everything gives me a fucking stomach ache these days. There are two kinds:
1. physically painful ones which are probably due to Indian bacteria trying to smuggle themselves into Canada. A wicked one sent me home early on Saturday night.

2. panicked butterflies-in-my-stomach... almost panic attacks when i think of all the things that i'm afraid of right now. I feel queasy and i start to hyperventilate.

But I have to just deal with those on my own... who's going to help me? Everyone i know is dealing with their own problems... who could possibly want to listen to mine?

Is THIS why people date? I'm serious. So you can burden the other person with all your problems and not feel at all guilty about it?

What if they let you down?

*

Speaking of. i'm giving up on the man-who-would-have-been-my-date-tomorrow. i'm not so big on being the one doing all the running, you know? it's his turn now. Or not. I really don't care, which means something. More specifically, it means nothing.

Well, at least i tried to be brave.

*
Sometimes I think about the rest of my life and i feel exhausted thinking of all the things that are still to come.

Then I take a huge bite of my bagel and sneeze while I'm still chewing and I know that it's all worth it.

11:42 p.m. - 2005-02-13