Talking to my mother, and then I hang up the phone and come here. I can�t dial international calls, so I can only hope someone will be on msn. But not today. So now I am just wishing so hard that someone will pick up my thought signals and call me� I am picturing you all in my head� Each of you that helps me through these things. Where ARE you?

My mother is going for a biopsy on her remaining breast� some abnormality that won�t go away. She has a bad feeling about it. I know all about her bad feelings from the last breast.

And I was very cool on the phone when she told me: don�t worry, it will be fine, it�s always been fine. I don't want her to think I can't handle this.

And even now� I am all alone here, so my rational side has kicked in to reassure the other side. That would be the side that flew up to the ceiling when she told me. The side that is watching me type this with wobbly fingers and blurry eyes. No one lives forever. Not only are these cancer scares terrifying, but in a best case scenario, they are prophetic. Will we get a reprieve this time? Maybe (�yes,� says Rational Narcissa), but then there will be a next time. And another next time. And then no more. These inevitabilities that we hate to think about.

Deep breaths in and out and...okay. Rational Narcissa is winning out. Panic has been pushed from a buzzing in the head, to a burning of eyes, to a lump in the throat, to a sinking in the stomach. It is currently a wobble in my knees.

Everything is going to be fine. And if it isn�t� then we will cross that bridge when we come to it, won�t we? Because isn't life all about the 'keep on keeping on'?

10:12 p.m. - 2004-04-25