i feel better today. i went to the market on my way home, and realized i'd forgotten my wallet. I had only 30 rupees on me, which is about 1 canadian dollar.

i bought: ginger, garlic, coriander, mint, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, and half a cauliflower. Oh, and some very long beans. And six mini bananas. And a two-foot long green stalk that has something to do with a lotus.

Un-believable. Food for the week for a dollar.

I love weaving through the stalls, joking with the vegetable sellers, assessing the quality of bizarro vegetables as though i know what i'm talking about.

*

Marty is reading a book on the psychology of happiness - a bestseller for yuppies in their midlife crisis, but it's kind of interesting. I was flipping through it and it all just seems kind of obvious. But then I recognize that I am so lucky that i was born with this ability to just be Happy.

Especially these days, when things are just resonating in a way that makes me want to cry at how the simplest things have suddenly become so beautiful.

I am away from everything familiar, and it seems that life has been distilled to the very basics. Sometimes I wonder if I will be this attuned to my surroundings when I am back in my real life. Will i be able to feel this happy? This frustrated? This despairing? This elated? My spectrum of emotions is wider than it has ever been.

Occasionally I think of home and i wonder if i have some kind of artificial happiness happening because I've essentially put my life on hold to be here.

Virtually all my friends are in long term relationships, and everyone who meets my sister falls in love with her. I know that this is a difficulty for her, but after I hung up the phone I could only think: I am not even remotely in that space. My god... no one's in love with me.

I don't know if I should worry about that. I don't date here. I've told people I'm engaged to avoid the situation. Yes, I miss a whole lot of things, but it's just not worth the complications.

See? I don't have to worry about relationships. No wonder I'm happy.

I guess I'm wondering whether I'm happy here because I don't have to deal with all these little "inanities" like seeking a soulmate, finding the purpose in life, balancing family and friends, and generally dealing with the repercussions of my actions.

I get vaguely anxious when i think of those so-called inanities... and then I just dismiss them and reason that it will all fall into place when I get back. Or not (because sometimes things don't work out in life). And then I'll just keep on keeping on, cause that's what everyone else seems to do. So. Is this escapism?

Or should I just go back to the beginning of this entry where I was thrilled with the heady smell of coriander permeating the night air in the market?

11:20 p.m. - 2004-04-20