i'm trying to pull something together. My parents are going to flip. not in the good way.

But it's all just coming together. And I don't believe in God, or fate, or destiny. But if I did. I would say that this is what I was meant to do.

*

I can't get my head around how every glance breaks your heart. I haven't talked about this much, because it feels exploitative. Like taking pictures of human suffering and posting it up on the net.

But. oh. Young boy wandering through the train last night, begging. Half-naked, showing emaciated limbs and a gigantic tumour protruding from his stomach. A TUMOUR. Bigger than both my fists together.

Five year old beaten in front of me because she hadn't collected enough money from her begging post. Bawling, she goes back to her place outside the train station. I want to give her some rupees so she won't be beaten, but won't that just reinforce her mother's behaviour? She was beaten for the effect. But then, what choice does her mother have? There are no jobs. How can people survive.

There are stray dogs limping around looking for food. A British NGO is looking after animal rights - picking up the injured dogs, sterilizing them, ensuring humane treatment. And you want to scream, because - Christ - the PEOPLE don't have enough groups picking them up off the street and providing humane treatment.

But then i think of my puppy at home... and these dogs have such human qualities. And they're so sweet. And so are the children. And... what is this world?

Leaves an empty space where my heart normally sits.

And what can i say? I could follow this with a description of the beauty that is also here - history, culture, religion.

I feel trapped. Resigned. I just visited the biggest slum in Asia. There are more than 300 000 people living in tin shacks with tarped roofs. At best. There is nothing to be done. Too many people. Human suffering cannot be alleviated here. Religion is not a suitable panacea in my case...

Many people here cling to religion - they were born where they are because of past behaviour. If they are rich, it's because they deserve it. If they are poor, they must live holy lives and they will be rewarded.

I don't know what i can do. Ignore this? Forget about it? It will not be possible to leave this place and pretend it doesn't exist. It would not be moral. But. I am not Mother Theresa. i don't know what could be done here... what i could do. What anyone could do.

*

It seems that the only way to get away from this feeling of panic is to think: i will take a corner and just do a small thing. One small thing.

I just have to find the right corner.

12:11 p.m. - 2003-08-19