excuse me, because i fear that this is going to be a rather self-indulgent entry� but hell, why not. I�m just a shade drunk, I�m having a reflective evening, and goddamn it, i still have to pack because tomorrow i motor out of this here university town.

UW 1998 - 2003. RIP University Narcissa.

I�m think I'm glad i came to school� I'm not sure why, since I hated my program, disliked this city, and I�m not entirely sure about how I feel about most of the people I met.

But really� I guess I learned some interesting/useful stuff. And I�m pretty proud of the person I�ve become. I may not always have the poise that I long for, but at least i�ve got a sense of humour about it.

I�m thankful for a few people I met along the way, mainly because they really really listen. This is such a rare quality, and they�re wonderful, and I�m privileged because I know that they love me.

And so.. tonight I�m thankful for John, because he makes me feel that i could be special after all, and because he gives so much;
Gillian, because she remembers what i say, and because we�re fun;
Penelope, because she understands;
Andrea, because she is the special-est person that i know and I got her as a sister.

Most of all, I love these people because when we spend time together, there is much laughing, and sometimes crying, but it is always sincere.

And�what else? Why am i searching for meaning or lessons in this process of leaving? Probably because i�m so numb about it, and that�s unexpected. And because I wish that I could be certain that I�ve grown into the person I wanted to be. I am aware that growth is a continuous process and that I�ll never stop learning� but I wish I could KNOW that I�m on the right track to capture the ever-elusive Spark.

I�m not one for milestones or markers, but this seems like a natural point to stop and reassess. But. Reassess� what? I�m looking for some epiphany, or some life lesson, or SOMETHING to show for the last five years, and I�m frustrated because it just isn�t coming to me.

*

But you know� there will always be sunsets and cold beers and the hopefulness of 6am quiet. There will be shining moments of clarity when my brain expands to take in a new thought, and goodness captured in a chord of a song, and stretching after a nap in the sun, and hands. That sounds creepy. I think I meant that there will always be human touch.

So what am I so worried about? Somewhere along the way, I learned what�s important, and I think that�s all I ever really needed to know.

And so.

I�m on the road again.

12:00 a.m. - 2003-04-23