Midnight to eight am, again. Adding insult to injury, i'm positively oozing snot, but for once i don't mind working cause i've got reading to do and lots of thoughts swirling around my head.

Mostly i'm just happy that i regained the equilibrium i lost when a surprise midnight visit + a grin + ice cream sent me just a shade past swoony. (swoony? me? eek.)

So thankful for girlfriends, cause there's nothing quite like hearing your goofy smile reflected back to you over the phone from 1000 miles away. I share a giddiness with my girlfriends that i've never found with guys.

*

Generally just thinking about the way that friendships cycle. Perhaps it's natural to have these thoughts as we speed toward the time when we'll all go our separate ways.

As I'm getting less and less support from some quarters, I'm gaining it from others. I could try to change this pattern to avoid loss, but i'm just not sure if i should. Maybe some friendships have served their purpose and it's just time to let them go. If i believed in fate, i'd say that this is where it applies. People evolve and move on. At some point, we needed each other, but now we're all just in different places. I guess I'll stay in touch with those who get somehow thrown into my path.

Or really, i should stop this garbage about fate and admit that maybe i'm afraid to delve too deeply into these faltering relationships. I'd hate to discover that it's all been a big farce... friends because it's a longstanding habit?

i'm just not feeling the love these days, y'know? The connection. The good times. Or the interest. Or something.

These friendships of convenience are neither satisfying nor attractive. Spend time with me because you like me and appreciate my contribution to your life. Otherwise, don't do me any favours.

Actually, it all makes me wonder who i've been neglecting lately. Who is thinking these thoughts about me and my efforts at friendships?

More as the night progresses, I'm sure.

2:19 a.m. - 2003-03-05