Drunk people are SO STUPID! i completely forgot. Of course, i'm not so stupid when i'm drunk. Of course.

stumbling/testosterone/crying/lost coats/broken windows/random screaming/fights/good-natured tussling/endless rambling patron bar nights. oh my. i never really look at how we all must appear as we stumble out of the bar in a beer-induced haze.

*

i haven't worked 12am-8am in a long, long time. It's better than i remember.

i forgot about how i like the way the world looks at 5am. John points out that the light is the same shade as 5pm dusk, and it is... but he admits that the feeling is completely different. 5pm on a winter evening feels sated, comfortable. It feels like warm stew and fresh bread.

5am is quiet. Expectant. Hopeful, even. No matter how cold it is, when i'm working overnight I always go outside for five minutes to breathe in the early morning. You just never know what's going to happen today. People will be born, others will die. Marriages, first kisses, funerals, tentative hand-holding on a second date, a perfect snowboard ride, car crashes, birthdays, engagements, heartbreaks.

Sometimes, the possibilities of the unknowns of a day induce a terror so strong that i just want to stay in bed. Those are the days I don't even want to answer the phone because i'm so afraid of what i'll hear.

I hate this knowledge that your life can change in a heartbeat.

Other days I just can't wait to get out there and see what will happen.

Today, of course, I plan to spend the day sleeping, and cheers to that.

come to bed
i cannot sleep in all this heat
come to bed
this terror's all within my head
-james

4:50 a.m. - 2003-01-12