another year, another home, another everything.

some people re-evaluate at their birthdays and at new years. If they're lucky, it's a healthy bi-annual thing. I have one gigantic orgy of self reflection for the week of December 26-31, and then it's gone for the rest of the year.

ha! i wish. [has this journal revealed NOTHING about tendencies to over-reflect?]

i dutifully attempted to conduct the annual take-stock and it induced journal-block like i've never known before. so i'm now 23. this means nothing to me... i think it's not much of a landmark and that's fine.

*

this time last year, i was... right here. So weird. I was gone for eight months, lived in ottawa, trekked around hawaii, and moved to halifax. I camped, cottaged, and roadtripped. I had countless great conversations in countless diners, restaurants, bars, pubs, and picnic tables. I met a gazillion amazing new people, had Adventures upon Adventures, and in the end i find myself back in this same city with the same people and it doesn't feel good or bad. Just... inevitable. As though it never mattered what i did because all along I knew i'd end up exactly where I started.

I'm not just talking geography.

gorgeous. I've got my own space again. My own apartment. My very own computer. For the first time in 8 months and I didnt even realize I felt crowded and stressed until I returned to the space and the quiet. And i've got my stereo and my music that i missed when i was living out of a duffle bag and it feels good but in a static kind of way.

At some point, i'll have to stop moving. i know. But i'm not ready for it yet... just want (need?) to keep moving and moving until i find whatever it is that i'm missing. lacking. without.

whatever.

*

'Kay, wait. I take it back. I'm not who i was. I am NOT static. I'm more confident, I'm happier, I'm more focused than i was in January 2002. I'm looking ahead with hope. I'm stronger. I love more people. I'm. not. static.

I've gradually removed my piercings. The labret stud came out on Christmas Eve, when I suddenly realized that I was using it as a crutch. Not literally. [Can't walk on it.] Its presence suddenly irritated the hell out of me and now it's gone and i'm loving, LOVING my stud-less face. and tongue. and ears.

I'm graduating in four months with no clear ideas about the future and i'm okay with that.

I made the phone call. I did it! And now i have no regrets. Your loss. I can say that now and not twist the wondering around in my head until i'm crazy.

Honesty and directness with myself and those around me. Working on it. Not there yet, but i'm closer than i was.

So. yes. i have grown.

*

cheers to you, 2003. only good things heading our way. please?